oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
