It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
