I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
