How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
