Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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