i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
