I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
