mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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