There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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