Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
