saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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