Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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