How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
