i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
