I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You are a genius and a whore.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
