It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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