Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
