I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
