Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
