One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
