everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
