My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
