U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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