Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
