He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
