Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
