Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize