Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
