Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
