I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
