that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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