you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
