She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
