Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
