Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
