I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
