Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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