I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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