We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
