Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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