I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
