it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just googled if crying burns calories
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Bring me that man meat
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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