Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
