when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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