Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
