what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
