chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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