i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
