but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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