i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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