I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
