I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
