Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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