We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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