ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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