Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
