My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
