Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
