thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize