When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
